Thursday, 30 July 2009

Introduction to the Species

So where were we?

Ah yes…the beginning of the nonsense :P

Anyways, so thats the beginning of the gymming experience.

And well, the best thing abt it was that the gym was so massive, that there was always something new to look forward to if I got bored. Cardio Arena, Resistance Machines, Free Weights, Group Classes, Yoga, Swimming and not to mention the massage parlour. Yeah they had a specialist Chinese Massage parlour in the gym, and since we got membership in a offer, we got 1 massage FREE FREE FREE.. Being Indian, you can imagine what a freebie means. We love it.

One of the most important factor of a gym is the Ambience, the music is always pulsating, although far off, and then there is the PEOPLE.

Every gym is bound to have different species of Humans. I will take on Uncle Darwin's Mantle and try to identify a few for u. If you have studied Biology in highschool, every species is defined with its Genus and another name, which if memory serves me right is called the generic name, Human beings are known as HOMO SAPIENS

My nomenclature of the gymming class is similarly binomial. Note, The classification is in hierarchial order pertaining tothe Gym.

1. TRAINUS PARENTUS : These are the Chieftans of the gym, the alpha humanoids, People who focused too much on their body building for so long that they reached a phase in life where they said, "Screw academics, i'll be a Gym Trainer." Although a lot of them went to Gym training school (which is another gym...whose trainers when to their schools, which are other gyms.....its a circle of life). So thats them, they are ur parents in the gym, they hold your finger (metaphorical) and make you walk your first steps on the treadmill, hold the cycle seat and tell u sweetly to pedal and that they wont leave (although the stationary cycle doesnt fall OR move, so that is a redundant analogy). They also hold your back when you are groaning through your first 2 pushups and although want to laugh at your pathetic attempt, they dont coz they know its not easy for you. So yeah, like parents.

1. JOCKUS MUSCULUS : These are the Carnivores of the gym. These are the guys who were born with 6 pack abs. They probably used to do bicep curls with their milk bottles and push ups when they were 11 months old.

They are the kind of perfectly chisled physiques who make girls go OOOOOO and guys go @^%$?"?$$""?!£%%"^@, I WANNA BE THAT SOMEDAY !!!

and kinda the opposite for the opposite gender reactions of course. These guys are generally seen as the alpha males of the gymming world, they walk in, dont look at those below their social level, walk past everyone and pick up a 50 kg dumbell and work out every muscle in their body with that. I mean, they work everything from hands to glutes with that.

You can recognize them by their grit. Although they have perfect bodies, when they work out, their focus is on the task, not on themselves, and when they are about to finish their set, you can see their veins as clear as earthquake cracks in the ground. And each muscle stands up from their skin n yells, “look at me !!”

2. JOCKUS MORONUS : These are pretty similar to the one I wrote above. Except, these are the moronical wannabees of the gym. They are like the evil witch from Snow White stories, keep staring into the mirror and flexing their arms and chest and rotating their neck into all the different poses of anger and tough looks. They are distinguishable by their love towards the mirror, fancy clothing, I mean, these guys will wear the tshirts you get in baby shops for 3 year olds, tight fitting, ABS revealing crap. They work out with excessive display of emotions, as in, they will be lifting a 20 Kg Dumbell and making a face like they’re crapping rocks. Some go to the extend of swearing and grunting like pigs in a 100meter dash. And once they’re done, they drop the weights like it’s a nuke warhead. Grunting is fine, I mean, most serious workers do it too, but they Grunt when they’re at the absolute end of their muscle fatigue. The Morons will grunt from the word Go. And God forbid should a cute chick walk by, their Grunts grow angrier, weight lifting goes higher, and the rock-crapping face becomes a permanent fixture. Its like an ugly Gorilla doing a mating call. And it Sucks. More so coz they work with Protein supplements, which has “controversial” side effects, and also doesn’t tire the muscle, so the grunts are alllll fake.

Most Moronus can be identified with a simple check. The Legs.
A serious body builder will work out both ends of his body, the top half and the bottom half.

A Moron will work only on his biceps and core. So they end up being what is known as Top Heavy, or as its scientific name goes, MR. CHICKEN LEGS. Balance is a myth for these buggers. Trust me, one fine day their legs will go, “Screw it, I Quit,” and the knees will retire from service. Probably crack open.

3. MORONUS SUPPORTUS : These are the sidekicks of the Moronus. They never work properly for themselves, they are like li’l scavengers who stick to the morons as supports. They Stand behind the Guru when he’s working out, “encouraging the guru to do more and more" and when the guru’s set is done (Which amounts to about 20 reps), and they pick up the same weight and do 2, with grunts that could make the entire gym think that a Hippo is being tattooed. Oh and they have the most radical tattoos too, like their gurus, they have angry angels, devils, firebolts and neo-gothic designs, all which scream for attention.

4. OBESUS DINOSAURUS : These are the people who REALLY need the gym, coz they have fat in every cell of their body, They are the poor blokes and ladies who come to the gym, look at all the above mentioned people who are born with a high metabolism body and can build a body, while they have to demolish their body. You can see them huffing and puffing their lungs out on treadmills, and at that time, they look like Jabba the hutt on a run. Trust me I know, I was one of them. And I salute these people, as they come in day after day, surrounded by perfect bods, and still have the will power to go through with their ordeal and try to get themselves fitter. These people go through their day, looking at all the junk food around them, all the cheese drippy pizzas and cold colourful icecreams and ((Tears)) all the yummy home food, and still look away and say…NO !!!!

If any of you have been obese and had to loose weight, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

When I was among the obesus, The towels provided by the gym were not enough for me, I needed the car covers.

5. INTERMEDIATUS HIPPOPOTAMUS : Now these are the people who belong between the obese ones and the fork in the road from Morons and Muscles. This is where I am right now, After loosing quite a bit of weight, and about 4-5 Inches off my waist, I am now in the category where I am not looked with scorn/pity nor looked with admiration. Which is good, We are the branch of Obesus who have relentlessly worked our way to losing the flab. We are the ones who see our track pants undergo transformation from being able to fit US, to being able to fit US Plus 2 roommates. And it’s a mighty good feeling I tell ya….. :-D

6. TOOTPICKUS BIMBOS : These are the silly ladies who come to workout just to make the males drool. I mean, they are as perfect in shape as any supermodel, But still come and hire a personal trainer and try to make their lean body leaner. I mean, at one point, you tend to feel that their limbs will snap if touched. The raise the temperature of the gym, and make the Morons go wild. Make the Obesus suicidal, and hippos go into overdrive to loose their remaining flab and get ripped. (except us select few who think that toothpick sized females are bimbettes from the Neanderthal era.) To quote Archimedes, “Ladies, it’s a curvy figure that is what your husbands like, not a polygon”

So that seems to cover most of the species you might come across in a normal gym. I know my gym has all the above. My apologies to anyone offended.

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