Monday, 15 June 2009

In the Beginning............

Lets Get this straight,
I’m fat. No question about it.
Not only there cant be a question about it, there cant even be a raised eyebrow worth of doubt in it. And I blame the world for this disease I call A.I.H.D.S.
To elucidate  AIHDS is Acquired Immuno (for) Hunger Deficiency Syndrome.

Aids reduces your immunity in totality
Aihds reduces your immunity to hunger. i.e. even 2 seconds worth of hunger is a good enough excuse to gorge on some snacks. 9 times out of 10, its something fattening.

AIHDS is compulsively accompanied by B.C.D. (Butt (on) Couch Disorder)
Like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder – where you don’t like things to move from their place or state) BCD is an obsession of a different level altogether; you just don’t like to move ur butt from where its rooted to.
I swear you could actually mistake me for a wax effigy if it weren’t for the only exercise my body did, Flicking through the channels. I tell you, my finger muscles were so well developed, I could bench press 20 bars of Snickers on each fingers (not that I ever took the pains to do it…BUT I COULD)

All this was multiplied by the H.F.F. or HOME FOOD FACTOR. I was fed like a sacrificial lamb, or in my case, a sacrificial buffalo.
And I was pretty much that kind of sacrificial buffalo whom you love and care and feed until you’ve blown him up, and then go, “Screw it, I’m bored, sacrifice cancelled.”

That’s it, I was left with the whole fattened up me. In the middle of a world where fitness comes after religion (Or does it come after money) Well, whatever it does come after, I was left with it.
At first, I was too lazy to notice that.
At second, I noticed that Kids guffawed at me when I passed by
At third, I noticed that my cargo trousers required cargo planes to transport.

And then came the supreme insult.

It was first year of engineering if I am not mistaken. My younger brother was joining an international school in India. His arrival into 8th Grade. A whole new world for him. He was moved from pampered Doha to pamper-smelling Bangalore (I declare I still love Bangalore so enough with the boos)
For the opening ceremony of the brand new international school (Cost of construction 22 Crore INR) We were all invited, specially as he was the First batch. History in the making right? So Well, I dressed up in my uncle’s wedding suit. Do not ask me why I used his suit.

So There I am, Grey suit, Nice shirt and tie, Black formal shoes which went Clip-Clop-Clop-Clip. Once dressed, an evil smile of sophistication crossed my lips. And I went out of my house to the waiting car. And Fate Smashed my smile to smithereens.
No wait, it didn’t smash it. More like, Dropped a 20 Kiloton Nuke on it.
The waiting car for my sophisticated self was a MARUTI 800. White. Probably the Model which transported the last of the English Colonists to the port to wave them Goodbye.

Anyway, Back to the topic. So the whole ceremony was awesome blah blah speech speech clap clap ooo laa-dee-frikkin-da

And after that, I followed my brother to his dorm, to get his camera. The road to the dorm was made of stone. Ergo : CLIP CLOP CLOP CLIP ….
My bro ran into the dorm to get his stuff, and I turned 360 degrees admiring the beautiful environ my Duck billed brother was getting to study at. And Then I saw her. She was about a mile shorter than I was, yet somehow, with the cunning use of heels, she just seemed a few cms shorter. She was following a li’l guy towards the dorm too.

Now you imagine yourself in that scenario. Dressed in sophisticated Formal wear, with awesome sounding shoes (or so I thought then) and also the tie. Don’t forget the tie.
Even the lamest of homo habilis in that ensemble would push up the tie knot and straighten the coat collar. So did I.
My brother ran back from his dorm and the Girl’s brother and he exchanged Hellos.(Clearly they knew each other)
And the girl smiled at my brother, (Clearly she knew him too)
He smiled back (Clearly He knew her too)
And I stood there, IN MY FORMAL GET UP, turning my neck from one side to another as they acknowledged each other. I felt like a curious rooster. I mean, being the size of a whale shark, I was not used to being in people’s blind spots.

And then she saw me, she smiled. I smiled back. She looked at my brother and goes

“So is this your Dad?”

Now conventionally, I am a very positive guy. I honor women a lot. I consider beating a woman as the worst thing a man could do to show off his masculinity. And yet, this time, I would gladly make an exception. I've rarely had the urge like that day, when I wanted to take off my shoes and Slam her in the face with it. (Mr. Bush it was my idea first)
I would also resort to half burying her in the earth and wrapping a live anaconda around her and sprinkling live leeches on her for toppings.

My brother took his time to guffaw and then correct her.
His friend (her younger brother) guffawed and I could tell the correction didn’t make sense to him.
She blushed at her “mistake” and rectified with a sorry and a hello and blah blah
I was in another Dimension where the scene was dusty and an anaconda was hissing and leeches were going SQUICHH SQUICHHH
I could almost hear myself ramming her face with my CLIP CLOP Formal shoes.


….or I had weight ones….

That was the biggest insult. And also the most discouraging one. Coz until then, I was actually starting to jog and loose some flab. This episode made me feel rebellious to the world.
And I quit jogging (Bad idea I know…)

It doesn’t mean I gave up on my weight. NO

For the next 4 years of engineering, I maintained my 42 Waist and didn’t put on any weight….

For most, that is inconsequential. For a guy like me, who had unlimited supply of chocolates and ice creams et all….It was an achievement…

To Be Continued…………



  2. I am proud of my single pack; coz i maintain it myself.

    i am a high maintenance person.


  3. a few incidents did help you though in maintaining 42. like that fateful evening when u were "farmaing ishq" (to use someone else's words) and u got a helping hand from another mamu of the gates of room 123 TS hostel..

  4. he heee....

    khi he hee heee,..

    this musta helped u maintain yer 42...:P